意想不到的

我的治疗从不是我期待的方式。我去那里,完全一片混乱,告诉自己,我要说的是,然后他会说这个或那个然后它会好的。但当他走到候诊室,叫我过去,我完全失去所有的虚张声势我了,,我发现自己准备哭。他问我怎么一直和我说“好。”He says that I look tired, and I say I am cause I haven't been sleeping well. He asks why and I have my reasons, and then he gets me to say all these things that I don't want to say. He tries to coax it out of me, but I can't say it. My back starts to hurt and my head starts to hurt. I shift, I shake, and I start to cry. He tells me its okay, but I won't let him comfort me. I hate being this way. I feel crazy. He says that I have intimacy issues, and that I am so used to being in pain that it's almost impossible for me to let go. I am so ashamed of myself that I lock myself in my head, and I won't let anyone in. He tries so hard to get me to talk but I just can't. I'm too scared. I'm too scared. I'm having a harder time doing things than usual- driving takes more effort and more focus. I just have such a hard time focusing. I think it's the ADHD. I'm not taking any medicine right now for any of my 'illnesses' or whatever... I don't know whether it's me or the illnesses keeping me from functioning. I just feel like I'm losing it. I had the strongest desire to hurt yesterday... hurt myself. I didn't. I promised myself I wouldn't- for my sister. But it was so hard... My cat scratched me, and it felt good. I felt so ashamed but that's how it was. It made me want to do more... but I can't, and I won't. If only for my sister's sake.... Anyway... I have to get up early, so maybe I should turn in. Tomorrow, I'll try and get some actual creative writing done... Maybe. Oh, one thing that my doctor said that scared me was that he thought I might have fibromyalgia.... I've had a lot of pain all over my body that I can't really explain, and so he thinks I might have that. I don't know much about it, but... it doesn't sound that great. Hopefully not.... hopefully it's just me being ... weird.