我的幻想消失了。

现在我想起了我渴望休息的时候，躺在凉爽的寂静中，让风的柔嫩的手指轻轻抚摸我的头发，让毯子在我孤独的肉体上休憩。我会躺着，闭着眼睛，在清醒的边缘摇摇欲坠，让自己相信想象中的梦就是现实，只要我抬起头来，就会看到仁慈的天使在召唤我的拯救。我会梦见同情、爱、温柔，以及所有关于理解和仁慈的概念。我梦想养育女人，梦想聪明善解人意的男人。我会梦想成功、财富和幸福，与家人分享我的财富。我想象着当我把钱捐给孩子做手术时，一位父母脸上的感激之情。我沉浸在激情的概念中，夹杂着对自己幸福的真正关心，把我从对生活的仇恨中拯救出来。母亲对她孩子的爱，曾经逃避过我的存在，悬浮在我永远无法分辨的肉体快乐的混合物中。我只能用手指蘸着那杯咖啡，一点也不关心那一抹快乐是什么，它就在那里。现在我渴望睡觉，避开那些在孩子的想象中跳舞的熟悉而空洞的场景。 Now, finally at 40, do I surrender to the true nature of life, in my heart. No longer do the hopes of rescue sugar plum fairy dance in my soul. Gone is the need for hope, or compassion, or passion, or trust. "Now I lay me down to weep, I know the Lord my soul will keep Please let me die before I wake, I pray to Jesus my soul to take" Empty is life void of dreams, and hope. Sleep, when it finds me, has but the prospect of holding me forever, lest I would forsake it. Nevermore can I trick my cold heart to hold the opening of mine eyes, while a delusion prances in my imagination of what is. Forsaken is the illusion of nurturing women, and wise men. My life is without asset, therefore merit. Shattered are the ambitions to life's understanding, and success, as such cold a place is this I cannot long to stay, for love or money. Hold me now slumber. Let your ignorance bliss shadow me forever from what is. Release me only unto death as he is your cousin. Darkness will grant me bliss once again, and oblivion will be tender to me. Death now holds my fantasies.