5 Things I Said To My Abuser That I Wish I’d Heard Myself Say

I remember saying words to my ex-husband, Will, that didn't help my abusive relationship or me at all. Will ignored them for the most part, but the tragedy is that I ignored them too. Here are the top five statements I wish I'd heard myself say.

Things I Said That I Should Have Listened To

5. My time matters.

I didn't darethinkthis comment let alonesay it out louduntil close to the end of our marriage. Will scheduled his priorities in permanent marker and any revision caused by our children or me made him mad. Days like birthdays and holidays took away from his schedule. One Christmas I think he'd have put Christ in line behind "changing the oil".

Will's schedule became the center of my existence. Every change in his schedule forced a change in my own, but it never worked the other way. I couldn't find the time to do fun things or work on projects becausehis scheduleinterfered. I came to accept that waiting to see what Will wanted me to do was my job.

Near the end, I started telling Will that I wouldn't change my plans just because his changed. I didn't wait around in case I needed to go to the beer store or stop going to meetings of The Woman's Club. One time I refused to pick up an auto part for him because I was reading a book (perhaps petty, but for cryin' out loud this mess went on for so long!). I came to value my time although he wouldn't (and still doesn't).

If I heard myself say it, perhaps I would have believed it sooner and became unwilling to sacrifice for him in this wayall of the time. I wish I had heard myself say, "My time matters too."

4. That isn't funny.

Normal people censor their jokes depending on their company if they respect the one in their company. If Will were a decent man, he would have stopped telling me "jokes" that I told him I didn't like. Jokes about minorities and women make me uncomfortable. Jokes about chopping me into little pieces and feeding me to the fish and witty comparisons between me and people he hates made me uncomfortable.Sarcasm is the highest form of wit for an abuser, and the consistent barrage of his biting, belittling comments and the one-man giggle fests that followed made me uncomfortable.

Over time, I came to dislike and distrust even his smile. I believe that the kinds of jokes a person tells reveals their character. His choice in jokes was a red flag that I ignored.

If I'd noticed how many times I said or thought "that isn't funny" during our first few weeks of dating, I could have saved myself the pain, effort, and 18 years that it took to decide he wasn't right for me. I wish I had heard myself say "That isn't funny, Will."

3. I don't trust you.

I distrusted my husband from the beginning of our relationship, but I believedI had trust issues, and he agreed. I thought that until I sorted out my issues that it wasn't fair to allow myself to distrust Will. I stuffed distrust down tight because (logically) it is normal to trust your partner, to give him the benefit of the doubt or forgiveness and move on. Instead of considering the mounting evidence against him, I thought I didn't trust him because of我.

I realize now that my distrust of him coupled with my choice to deny it kept me imprisoned behind invisible bars. Ignoring my growing distrust set a destructive pattern that ultimately allowed me to ignore most of what I felt. Eventually, the only feeling left was numbness. Unfeeling. Depression. Loss of self.

If I had heard myself say itand honored the feeling, then I wouldn't have begun doubting my other thoughts. I wish I had heard myself say, "I don't trust you."

2. Stop yelling at me.

"Stop yelling at me" is number two on this list because it was almost the most fruitless but heartfelt thing I said to my husband. I repeated this statement way too often. As withthat's not funny停止大喊大叫:“我”可能需要重复大调的ing a relationship, but not multiple times during a single conversation. Not during 75% of the conversations we have with one another. I begged him to stop yelling with tears rolling down my face. I screamed it at the top of my lungs and whispered it to myself.

After theabusive anger集,我就会提醒自己它的s not okay for someone to treat me this way.I didn't connect that thought with the idea thatit is okay to leave a relationship when my partner's main mode of communication is to yell at me.

His insults and condemnation compounded the effects of his yelling. He didn't yell when he was getting his way; he yelled when I wasn't doing or thinking what he thought I should. He yelled to regain control and it must have worked because I hurt so badly afterwards that I didn't think to back up my words with action. I didn't think yelling was a valid reason to leave.

If I'd heard myself say it, I would have realized I felt a need to think and say it too often to believe he would ever stop. I wish I had heard myself say, "Stop yelling at me!"

1. I just want you to be nice to me.

I said, "I just want you to be nice to me" both under my breath to myself and out loud to him. I wrote the idea in my journals and it came out in my artwork. The desire for respect and pleasantness from Willdrove me to damage myselfmore than any other statement on this list. I mean, it seems like such a simple request between lovers. Because it seemed so simple to me, I believed that his compliance was just around the corner.

He sent me intermittent signals that he would be kind (now I know these signs as part of thehoneymoon period). I kept holding out for the day he would decide to be nice to me for the rest of our lives. So simple...yet so impossible for him. I don't wait for that day anymore. It was too painful, lasted too long, and caused my mind and heart too much damage.

If I'd heard myself say it, maybe I could have beennicer to myself. Maybe I would have realized that it's notnormalto feel the need to say this to my love so often. I wish I had heard myself say, "I just want you to be nice to me" most of all.

You can find Kellie Jo Holly atVerbal Abuse Journals, or social media onGoogle+,脸谱网,TwitterandAmazon Authors.