小的声音

如果父母不进入孩子的世界,而是要求他或她进入他们的接触,产生的损害可以持续一生。在“Voicelessness:自恋,”我提出了一种成年人的反应在儿童时期经历过这种情况:他们不断尝试使用漏水的“自我”。However, different temperaments spawn different adjustments: some children, by their very nature, are incapable of aggressively seeking attention. If no one is entering their world, they unconsciously employ a different strategy. They diminish their voice, make as few demands as possible, and bend themselves like a pretzel to fit their parents world.

来保护他们的家庭,这些孩子往往成为专家观察父母的感受和心情和自动反应在他们认为有用的方法。实际上,他们成为好父母自己的父母。

当这些孩子进入成年期发生了什么?根据性格和历史,有不同的可能性。这里有两个:

一些成为温柔、敏感,non-assuming成年人。他们也慷慨和爱心,经常为慈善机构做志愿者,动物收容所等等。经常他们觉得别人的疼痛就好像是自己的,并饱受内疚,如果他们不能在某种程度上缓解这种痛苦。许多似乎脚尖的房间。不幸的是这些品质也允许他们被其他人使用和滥用,因为他们无法停止给没有感觉他们是坏或不值得。有一个安全的“地方”,提供他人的情感需求不可避免地编织在一起。如果他们不提供,他们觉得他们不再是任何人的世界的一部分,和他们没有价值。他们的自尊是完全依赖于回应他人的需要。在极端的情况下,他们的“voicelessness”是如此完整,所以消费,这些“小声音”沉默了很长一段时间。这并不是一种被动攻击行为(如经常被建议),甚至退出关系。 Unless asked direct questions, they simply can't think of anything to say. "What do you want?" (now, this week, this year, during your lifetime) is impossible for them to answer. Early in their childhood they stopped wanting because no one paid any attention to their wishes. Their place in life was to know what everyone else wanted--this is the only place they felt comfortable and unthreatened.

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其他“小声音”最终意识到,他们牺牲了他们的独立,他们的声音,“在别人弯曲,并成为消极的和痛苦的。他们认为他们特别敏感的non-responsiveness周围的人,正是因为他们比较自己的慷慨的大自然他人的言行。几乎每个人都短。因此,他们是被别人看作“关键”,难以相处。他们很容易忽视,容易愤怒的爆发。他们的愤怒的主题通常是:看看我为你做了什么,和看看我回来。然而他们被困,因为如果他们停止期待他们觉得无形的每个人的需求。有时候,这些“小声音”生活在(或接近)他们的要求和不赏识的父母直到父母死;他们深深怨恨的兄弟姐妹设法逃脱。

“小声音”是自恋的两极对立。前放弃所有的“声音”,而后者咽下去了。当两个匹配关系,物理和情感虐待的可能性很高。家庭暴力案件往往涉及“小声音”和“自恋”。Yet, the under-entitlement of "little voices" and over-entitlement of narcissists are both methods of adapting to the same phenomenon: childhood "voicelessness." Interestingly, the same voice-depriving family can produce "little voices" and "narcissists." Why is this so? Genetic factors probably play the biggest role. Narcissism requires aggression, "little voice," passivity. Birth order may also count: if one child strives aggressively for family resources, it is that much harder for the next in line to compete using a similar method.

在这篇文章中,我已经讨论了极端情况下的“小声音。”But in fact, many of the people who come to see me share, at least to some extent, the experience of "little voice." They have unconsciously diminished their presence in order to find a niche in their family and a place in the world. To be seen and heard, they feel they must take care of, or bend around, others. Luckily, "little voices" can be helped. The healing process requires a therapist who understands the historical roots of the problem and is capable of developing a client's "voice" through a genuine, empathic relationship.

关于作者:格罗斯曼博士是一位临床心理学家和作者Voicelessness生存和情感的网站。

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