在开始的时候

“童年总有那么一个时刻，未来的大门打开了。”
格雷厄姆·格林。

开始 1:做一个动作的第一部分:进入一个过程的第一部分:START 2 . a:出现:出现 B:要有一个出发点 3:用最小程度的传递意义去做或成功 1:设置活动:START 2 . a:使形成:发现 b:创造，发明 定义从 梅里亚姆-韦伯斯特字典

一开始……

夏天来了，那个美好的时光，那时学校已经成为遥远的记忆，无尽的阳光和沙滩摆在面前:九月，回归书本和规则，一种模糊的不适在地平线上的某个地方。10岁的时候，我是夏天里最大的孩子;几个家庭的孩子的假期会重叠。夏天的朋友。我们在那些慵懒的夏日里做着孩子们会做的事情。探索海滩和森林，建造堡垒和树屋，游泳:总是游泳。我们在大湖冰冷的海水中游泳，直到冷得无法忍受，我们会跑回海滩，钻进滚烫的沙子里。下面的沙子被上面的太阳温暖着，像茧一样的温暖很快驱走了我们身上的寒冷。你可以感觉到水从你的身体在风中蒸发，伴随着颤抖。有时你会感到风踢着沙子的刺痛。 Always wind and always the sound of wind, the waves rolling on shore, the leaves in the birches and the ash trees playing harmony: The cries of the gulls as they slid on the currents of air, a counterpoint. Running back into the water our yells joined those of the gulls. Perfect memories.

下午晚些时候，我们会爬上从海滩到房子的台阶。沿着海岸的这部分，时间和风把沙子堆成沙丘，沙丘逐渐被覆盖。雪松、松树和白蜡树的根支撑着河岸。岸边的几座房子都建在山顶上。上面是一个不同的世界，有森林和田野，还有明信片上的湖景。脱掉泳衣换上衣服，我们会感受到布料与皮肤接触的美妙感觉，就像在沙滩上在风中奔跑一天、在水里玩耍一天之后的那种感觉。舒适:舒适、安全和满足的温暖感觉

事情就发生在这样的一天。那是晚饭后，我还能感觉到我衣服的那种安全舒适的感觉。我坐在壁炉前，烤着棉花糖。大人们在我身后谈论着大人们谈论的话题，我看着棉花糖变成金黄色，一边想着那几乎太甜的味道，一边尽力不让它们着火。生活很美好，我很快乐，世界充满了可能性，然后，在一个短暂的瞬间，世界改变了，我身后的一个成年人对我说了句话。他们说:“你坐在那里就像撒旦。”这是一个无辜的评论，在当时很有趣，棉花糖叉子确实看起来像一个小干草叉。当我坐在那里看着烤棉花糖和炉火时，我开始思考撒旦、地狱和永恒。就在那一刻，我生平第一次感到了一种执念开始时的冰冷冰冷的感觉。我不知道那是什么，但当我坐在那里思索永恒，地狱中的永恒时，我感到了那种恐惧，那种活生生的恐惧，它将成为我永远的伴侣。 It started small, Hell is a frightening thing to think of, and I thought about all those things the nun's had taught me about hell. And then I started thinking about eternity. Eternity, on and on with no end, forever, that thought was even more frightening. No end? I couldn't get a handle on that, I couldn't understand it and it terrified me. Then I started thinking about heaven and eternity and I felt the same fear. The fear grew as I thought, "What if I went to hell and my mother didn't?" Or if someone I loved went to hell and I went to heaven? Within minutes my safe secure world was gone and I was trapped in this nightmare that I couldn't find my way out of. The thoughts just kept going around and around. I didn't sleep that night, I couldn't. The next day was another beautiful summer day, just like the day before, and I did all the things we did on those summer days, but the thoughts were there. I could push them back while playing but if I stopped for even a moment, I could feel the cold of the fear. That night, as I lay in bed, the nightmare was alive and growing. I could not stop the thoughts and that frightened me. That became the pattern of my life; I would be Ok during the day but was always in this shadow, at night as I lay in bed the terror took over. Soon I began to fear going to bed. Eventually I was able to find some relief, momentary and fleeting, in going to church and to confession. Though now I feared heaven as much as hell. If I had no choice about eternity, I thought, then better heaven then hell. Night after night I prayed the rosary. If I didn't pray I would not get to sleep. I had to be good enough to get to heaven. I tried, for endless hours to think my way out, to use logic but those concepts were too big, too imperfectly understood by my 10-year-old mind for that to work but I found comfort in trying. Trying to think my way clear became part of the ritual. Prayer and thinking, night after night and filled with a fear that even then I knew was not normal. That something was wrong, that something was wrong with me. I couldn't bring myself to talk with anyone and suffered this alone and in silence. If only I could think the right thoughts I would be Ok. After a full year of this it stopped as suddenly as it had started.

这是我第一次清晰的经历，几十年后我才知道这是强迫症。在接下来的几年里，它会反复出现几次，有时是同样的想法，有时是其他的想法，但总是带着这种冰冷而致命的焦虑。今天，那些沉思的，主要是强迫性的，类型的问题仍然来来去去。我现在的强迫症，在很大程度上，是典型的污染/清洗类型，它一直伴随着我。我的强迫症很严重，到目前为止，治疗并没有成功地在很大程度上减轻我的症状，尽管我继续尝试，并且确实有希望。但我知道这些我无法摆脱的奇怪想法是强迫症，这对我有很大的帮助。知道我并不是唯一一个患有这种疾病的人，这对我来说是一种莫大的安慰。

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