煤气灯:情感虐待和操纵

我受够了煤气灯。我正从四面八方面对它。我父亲是一个专制的煤气灯制造者，当然我也和他谈过恋爱。从小到大，父亲对我的生活缺乏兴趣。我十几岁的时候和父亲住在一起，他从不回家，实际上把为人父母的责任抛到了脑后。我总是在这个问题上和他争执，他觉得我是个讨厌鬼。家里从来没有吃的。我经常在朋友家过夜。每当我和他对质时，他都会说我一团糟，太情绪化，是个失败者。然后他就会离开。 It went on like this until he remarried. But it became worse. His wife was insecure about my existence. Dad always came to me, telling me what my stepmother didn't like about me, and what I had to change. I was always 'too emotional'. This was always the foundation and he found comfort in this wife who always interfered. In adulthood I gave up. Everyone kisses his ass because there is money to inherit. That was always the weapon. The message has always been to shut up and flatter him or be disinherited. I kept fighting, but anytime anything came up, again, I was told I'm too sensitive and I'm a screw up. I went low to no contact. Anytime I got together with him I had to brace myself for the next episode of being discredited. All I wanted was a normal dad who was interested and protective. Fast forward. We live in the same town. He has his 'new' life with his picture perfect (awful) wife and her kids. Family photos look like a Martha Stewart catalog of perfection. Except I'm blatantly out of the picture. I don't want to be in that fake picture, but it still hurts. I got a boyfriend and for a while it was good and I moved in. But inevitably with both of us tending to drink, eventually the cracks were exposed. When he drinks and gets angry, it's emotional and verbal abuse galore. It started slowly, band then he exhibited some unacceptable behavior. It escalated recently to an alarming level. I pretty much stopped drinking and enabling him. I walk on eggshells. I want to prevent it from getting worse. I have a therapist. I educated myself about alcoholism, narcissism and abuse. My boyfriend is a gaslighter. He says horrible things when his guard is down. I reached out to friends first. They were supportive. They told me to save myself and get out but financially I am stuck. I want to move to another place where I was happier. Where I used to live, where I have a sister. She says to get out. I finally told my father. But of course, he quickly minimized my situation. I had not been physically abused so he was relieved. Once that was clear, he began to discredit my story. He went on the narrative that I must be doing something to anger my boyfriend. He told me my emotions were getting in the way. He told me to call the police if it got bad. He was disappointed I didn't have precise an action plan, even though I was confused, desperate and breaking down. He passively seemed to enjoy my frustration. A day later he texted me. He said it seemed I was having a bad day. At that point, aware of the gaslighting, I kind of flipped. I told him he was minimizing something dangerous and he wasn't taking me seriously. But he was also not used to me being assertive. He responded back saying he wanted to respond to my assertiveness. He was not going to be told by me that he wasn't being helpful. Anyway, I told him I'll talk if we are communicating but the gaslighting must stop and that I reached out because it was serious. So now, if I indeed talk to him, I'm anticipating the ways that he will try and shut me down. All I want is a dad to care. But not with him. I feel so frustrated and alone. He just can't face that he can help in many ways. He is angry that I stood my ground. It will always be a power struggle. And I'm still with my boyfriend, trying to figure out how to get out. There seems like no way to go.

嗨,艾米丽。我是一名31岁的男性。我的Fiancée是一个27岁的女性，我认为她可能是煤气灯。我一直在阅读不同的东西，试图找出是不是我反应过度了。说实话，煤气灯似乎是沿着我们的关系发生的路线。我们在一起才3年多。我爱我的fiancée，愿意为她做任何事。但她每天都不一样。有时和她在一起很好，而有时我却害怕说错话。她让我放弃了每一个说他们是坏消息的朋友他们所做的一切都是让我失望。 I blocked them out of my life almost a year ago and changed my number not long after I decided to move in with my then girlfriend. I had a great friendship with them but my girlfriend got me to believe they were trying to break us up. I know in my mind and heart now that they were just trying to help me get out of a bullying relationship. It’s been almost a year and I’m seriously lost without my friends who will never speak to me again and to be honest I wouldn’t blame them. At the moment we are renting and saving to get a mortgage. This comes from her feeling my mind with positivities and that we’ll have a great life together and that I she can’t wait to finally buy a house and settle down and have a couple of kids together. She knows that I want this as much as her but recently a couple of my family members have texted me and asked why I’ve been so distant and my parents ask why I hardly call to see them anymore. The answer is every time I’ve asked my partner to come to visit my family she has a plan to either go see her parents that weekend (who live a 3 hour drive away) and so I ask what if we call to my parents midweek. Her answer being “well I’m working and I’ll be tired after work” I say well how about we call to them on this date and she will either say no or ok and when the time comes she will pull a sick day or a come up with an excuse. If I call to them on my own she says that I’ve been out there talking about her or something negative will come of it. She constantly says negative things about my family especially my sister and has made it clear she doesn’t like my sister in law because she was good friends with my ex, who at one stage was a good friend of mine also, but unfortunately I’ve been forced to back away from. Last but not least.... Due to our saving for a mortgage together we’ve set up a joint account with the bank (Her Idea). I am not suppose to spend money without her knowing and agreeing to it first. I have a full time job and she does also so we’re both earning. I can’t so much as buy a coffee without her questioning me as to why I’ve used money. This then leads to a massive argument and me being completely put down. If I threaten to leave she takes my phone and car keys from me as they are ours now as she is paying for them too now... She has slapped me on 3 occasions now. Due to all of this, some nights I don’t sleep and I am very emotional at times. Please Help as I don’t know who I am anymore or who I’m in a relationship with??

干得好，EM，太疯狂了，不久前我和一个人约会过，你说的煤气灯是他的最爱。我永远不会忘记我们有这个伟大的夜晚的粘结和看电影,没有一个论点insued关于我的信仰他的父母不会接受我,因为我是犹太人,如果我们结婚了我们如何提高我们的孩子我就生气,说我接受你,就像你和我希望你和你的父母会回来接受我说我信仰不是他关心的,也许我们应该谈话后,我不感到震惊和受伤。那天晚些时候，我打电话给他说，如果我们真的为了孩子结婚，我们会让他们都信仰同样的宗教。他回答说，哇，你为什么会认为我想娶你。我很震惊，很困惑，我这么想是不是很愚蠢?那整个争论是关于什么的?…我觉得自己很愚蠢，就把整个争论都驳回了，但这是同样的歌和舞，让我感到困惑和目瞪口呆。它来到了一个头，我没有离开我的虐待前任为这个.....不是肉体上的虐待，而是一种形式的虐待，不过是一种更聪明的谨慎的方式，我一分钟也不想再接受了，我把他从我的生活中删除了。

当我意识到我的丈夫在使用煤气灯技术时，在大约2年的婚姻后，我离开了家，只带着身上的衣服。我觉得我的理智岌岌可危。我经历了焦虑、不眠之夜、化身博士的性格，意识到我必须离开。我想要离婚，但他一直在刁难我。为了避免再次陷入这种毁灭性的行为，我试着不去联系别人。但是，因此一直不容易，由于拥有一个汽车经销商，然而，我使用有限的联系，尽可能多。

当我意识到我丈夫在强调我的时候，我崩溃了!我们开了一家汽车经销店，但在经历了焦虑、失眠、压力和人格分裂后，我真的离家出走了。离开了他，生意和其他一切。这给我带来了一个大问题，但我觉得这对我的理智是必要的。我们结婚才两年左右。我是2016年10月17日离开的，现在没有也不打算回去。我正在申请离婚，但这是一个艰难的过程。离开他后，他从事了一些商业欺诈活动，这造成了一些问题。我是这家企业的主要负责人(所有者)，正因为如此，我们的平面图在追着我要他花的钱，而不是支付给他们。我面临着一场12.5万美元的诉讼。 I know that I will need to secure a lawyer, but I don't have the money to do so. My husband is not cooperative neither is he willing to pay the money back. However, I'm glad that I got out of the relationship, with my right mind. Right now, I'm seeing a therapist, just to help me move forward, and reclaim my life. I'm 65 and my husband is 57. He is a great manipulator, and liar and I just want to go on with my life. It's there any advice or help you can give me?

你怎么知道该怎么摆脱这种情况?总是迷路，害怕，觉得自己很蠢，好像这一切都是我编造出来的……

阅读这篇文章让我对自己在工作中所经历的事情有了深刻的认识。人们在我周围用暗语交谈。让我看起来像个疯子。当我进入下一个阶段的时候。谁是告密者的消息已经传开了。造成了恶劣的工作环境还破坏了我的车。这被带入下一个阶段，然后进行调查。有人告诉我，我听到了什么但没人听到或看到什么。这都是我的幻觉。即使我已经记录了所有发生的事。 Employer closed case.

嗨,艾米丽,
好文章!我希望我在和前任约会的时候就知道煤气灯，因为你基本上描述了我们的每一次互动。我记得我当时想，我分不清哪些想法是我的，哪些是他的。我晚上会因为恐慌症醒来因为我不记得自己是谁了。不断的转移注意力、责备和逃避真的会让你发疯。谢谢你的见解:)
艾玛x

伟大的文章。看到这是"一件事"让我清醒了一点。