广告

煤气灯:情感虐待和操纵

2017年11月7日艾米丽·j·沙利文

煤气灯是一种情感虐待和操纵,让你感觉自己因为困惑而发疯。以下是如何判断某人是否在欺骗你的方法。

煤气灯,一种能把人逼疯的情感虐待,是一种能导致受害者质疑他们所知道的一切事实的操纵形式。你是否认识一个人,他的互动让你感觉你要疯了,要么是因为沮丧,困惑,要么是因为疲惫?你可能是煤气灯的受害者。别慌,幸运的是你并没有真的疯掉,你只是亲身经历了煤气灯,情感虐待和crazy-making操纵。

你正在经历煤气灯、情感虐待和操纵吗?

红旗

  • 煤气灯制造者坚决发誓他们从未说过他们做过的事。这可能会让任何人感到疯狂。例如,你确定你听到他们说他们上周去看电影了。你记得你告诉你最好的朋友,你的男朋友当时正在看电影,但现在他厚颜无耻地盯着你,说他从来没有说过这样的话。他看你的眼神都像做些奇怪的事或者操纵他。
  • “煤气灯”会告诉你,你疯了,还经常告诉你,你身边的人也担心你的理智。他们可能会表现得好像他们是你生命中唯一在乎你、对你坦诚相待的人。他们甚至会暗示你身边的某个人,一个朋友或亲戚,小心翼翼地询问你过得怎么样,因为每个人都很担心你所谓的奇怪行为。
  • “煤气灯”会说你过于敏感或偏执,让你的想法和感觉变得无效。他们通过把其他人带入自己的操纵中来重申这些说法。例如,他们可能会这样说:“你哥哥对你的看法是对的,你总是反应过度,大惊小怪。”现在你会觉得,不仅你的伴侣是这样看待你的,你的兄弟也是这样看待你的。这是当你开始质疑自己,想知道你是否真的多疑、敏感。
  • “煤气灯”的目的是疏远你的家人和朋友,以及你生活中的其他人。他们可能会通过声称来操纵你别人会虐待你.他们可能会暗示你的朋友在利用你,你的父母只是想控制你,或者你的老板总是在操纵你。他们甚至会把最普通的事情扭曲成让你困惑的样子。最终,你会发现自己开始质疑身边的人。
  • 煤气灯会用谎言、否认、投射、转移注意力和坚持来破坏你的信仰,使你的论点失去合法性。为了回答一个非常直接的问题,a煤气灯会说这样的话“我不想再重复一遍了,这么简单的事情我已经解释完了,”或者“你认为我做了什么?”你才是那个对此有意见的人。”

煤气灯照明是一个冗长乏味的过程,随着时间的推移会发生在任何人身上,这不是一个反思受害者的力量或智力.用煤气灯说话会让人非常困惑和厌烦,受害者会开始放弃。比起质疑或反抗煤气灯,情感虐待开始变得习以为常,受害者开始接受他们一直被喂的东西。自恋者,精神变态者,反社会者经常使用煤气灯,目的是控制,孤立和减少他们的受害者。

避免煤气灯式情感虐待的一个重要关键是相信你的直觉坚持你长期持有的信念,并识别出它们是什么危险信号——对煤气灯的疯狂操纵。

*我觉得有必要澄清一下,每个点煤气灯的人都不是有精神控制计划的反社会主谋。有些人这样做是因为他们缺乏沟通和解决冲突的能力。当一个人本质上只是有糟糕的习惯和对别人不好的时候,我讨厌给他主谋的荣誉。

来源:

艾布拉姆森,k (2014)打开煤气灯哲学观点,28(1)病毒。doi: 10.1111 / phpe.12046

APA的参考
Sullivan, E.(2017年11月7日).煤气灯:情感虐待和操纵,HealthyPlace。2022年10月3日从//www.5wetown.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2017/11/gaslighting-emotional-abuse-and-manipulation检索到



作者:Emily J. Sullivan

发现艾米丽脸谱网推特而且谷歌+

珊莎
2018年6月19日下午2:32

我受够了煤气灯。我正从四面八方面对它。我父亲是一个专制的煤气灯制造者,当然我也和他谈过恋爱。从小到大,父亲对我的生活缺乏兴趣。我十几岁的时候和父亲住在一起,他从不回家,实际上把为人父母的责任抛到了脑后。我总是在这个问题上和他争执,他觉得我是个讨厌鬼。家里从来没有吃的。我经常在朋友家过夜。每当我和他对质时,他都会说我一团糟,太情绪化,是个失败者。然后他就会离开。 It went on like this until he remarried. But it became worse. His wife was insecure about my existence. Dad always came to me, telling me what my stepmother didn't like about me, and what I had to change. I was always 'too emotional'. This was always the foundation and he found comfort in this wife who always interfered. In adulthood I gave up. Everyone kisses his ass because there is money to inherit. That was always the weapon. The message has always been to shut up and flatter him or be disinherited. I kept fighting, but anytime anything came up, again, I was told I'm too sensitive and I'm a screw up. I went low to no contact. Anytime I got together with him I had to brace myself for the next episode of being discredited. All I wanted was a normal dad who was interested and protective. Fast forward. We live in the same town. He has his 'new' life with his picture perfect (awful) wife and her kids. Family photos look like a Martha Stewart catalog of perfection. Except I'm blatantly out of the picture. I don't want to be in that fake picture, but it still hurts. I got a boyfriend and for a while it was good and I moved in. But inevitably with both of us tending to drink, eventually the cracks were exposed. When he drinks and gets angry, it's emotional and verbal abuse galore. It started slowly, band then he exhibited some unacceptable behavior. It escalated recently to an alarming level. I pretty much stopped drinking and enabling him. I walk on eggshells. I want to prevent it from getting worse. I have a therapist. I educated myself about alcoholism, narcissism and abuse. My boyfriend is a gaslighter. He says horrible things when his guard is down. I reached out to friends first. They were supportive. They told me to save myself and get out but financially I am stuck. I want to move to another place where I was happier. Where I used to live, where I have a sister. She says to get out. I finally told my father. But of course, he quickly minimized my situation. I had not been physically abused so he was relieved. Once that was clear, he began to discredit my story. He went on the narrative that I must be doing something to anger my boyfriend. He told me my emotions were getting in the way. He told me to call the police if it got bad. He was disappointed I didn't have precise an action plan, even though I was confused, desperate and breaking down. He passively seemed to enjoy my frustration. A day later he texted me. He said it seemed I was having a bad day. At that point, aware of the gaslighting, I kind of flipped. I told him he was minimizing something dangerous and he wasn't taking me seriously. But he was also not used to me being assertive. He responded back saying he wanted to respond to my assertiveness. He was not going to be told by me that he wasn't being helpful. Anyway, I told him I'll talk if we are communicating but the gaslighting must stop and that I reached out because it was serious. So now, if I indeed talk to him, I'm anticipating the ways that he will try and shut me down. All I want is a dad to care. But not with him. I feel so frustrated and alone. He just can't face that he can help in many ways. He is angry that I stood my ground. It will always be a power struggle. And I'm still with my boyfriend, trying to figure out how to get out. There seems like no way to go.

匿名
2018年6月18日上午7:55

嗨,艾米丽。我是一名31岁的男性。我的Fiancée是一个27岁的女性,我认为她可能是煤气灯。我一直在阅读不同的东西,试图找出是不是我反应过度了。说实话,煤气灯似乎是沿着我们的关系发生的路线。我们在一起才3年多。我爱我的fiancée,愿意为她做任何事。但她每天都不一样。有时和她在一起很好,而有时我却害怕说错话。她让我放弃了每一个说他们是坏消息的朋友他们所做的一切都是让我失望。 I blocked them out of my life almost a year ago and changed my number not long after I decided to move in with my then girlfriend. I had a great friendship with them but my girlfriend got me to believe they were trying to break us up. I know in my mind and heart now that they were just trying to help me get out of a bullying relationship. It’s been almost a year and I’m seriously lost without my friends who will never speak to me again and to be honest I wouldn’t blame them. At the moment we are renting and saving to get a mortgage. This comes from her feeling my mind with positivities and that we’ll have a great life together and that I she can’t wait to finally buy a house and settle down and have a couple of kids together. She knows that I want this as much as her but recently a couple of my family members have texted me and asked why I’ve been so distant and my parents ask why I hardly call to see them anymore. The answer is every time I’ve asked my partner to come to visit my family she has a plan to either go see her parents that weekend (who live a 3 hour drive away) and so I ask what if we call to my parents midweek. Her answer being “well I’m working and I’ll be tired after work” I say well how about we call to them on this date and she will either say no or ok and when the time comes she will pull a sick day or a come up with an excuse. If I call to them on my own she says that I’ve been out there talking about her or something negative will come of it. She constantly says negative things about my family especially my sister and has made it clear she doesn’t like my sister in law because she was good friends with my ex, who at one stage was a good friend of mine also, but unfortunately I’ve been forced to back away from. Last but not least.... Due to our saving for a mortgage together we’ve set up a joint account with the bank (Her Idea). I am not suppose to spend money without her knowing and agreeing to it first. I have a full time job and she does also so we’re both earning. I can’t so much as buy a coffee without her questioning me as to why I’ve used money. This then leads to a massive argument and me being completely put down. If I threaten to leave she takes my phone and car keys from me as they are ours now as she is paying for them too now... She has slapped me on 3 occasions now. Due to all of this, some nights I don’t sleep and I am very emotional at times. Please Help as I don’t know who I am anymore or who I’m in a relationship with??

瑞秋
2017年12月1日上午6:04

干得好,EM,太疯狂了,不久前我和一个人约会过,你说的煤气灯是他的最爱。我永远不会忘记我们有这个伟大的夜晚的粘结和看电影,没有一个论点insued关于我的信仰他的父母不会接受我,因为我是犹太人,如果我们结婚了我们如何提高我们的孩子我就生气,说我接受你,就像你和我希望你和你的父母会回来接受我说我信仰不是他关心的,也许我们应该谈话后,我不感到震惊和受伤。那天晚些时候,我打电话给他说,如果我们真的为了孩子结婚,我们会让他们都信仰同样的宗教。他回答说,哇,你为什么会认为我想娶你。我很震惊,很困惑,我这么想是不是很愚蠢?那整个争论是关于什么的?…我觉得自己很愚蠢,就把整个争论都驳回了,但这是同样的歌和舞,让我感到困惑和目瞪口呆。它来到了一个头,我没有离开我的虐待前任为这个.....不是肉体上的虐待,而是一种形式的虐待,不过是一种更聪明的谨慎的方式,我一分钟也不想再接受了,我把他从我的生活中删除了。

在回复通过匿名(未验证)

2017年12月2日上午7:57

瑞秋,这是我的犹太朋友瑞秋吗?嘿!是的,这听起来绝对像煤气灯,他说了些什么,你后来提到,然后他表现得好像他从来没有说过那样的话,让你觉得自己很蠢。我很抱歉!我很高兴你能看清真相因为你很清楚愚蠢的。我很高兴你把他删了,开始新的生活。干得好,姑娘!艾米丽

格温多林•斯图尔特
2017年11月26日下午1:24

当我意识到我的丈夫在使用煤气灯技术时,在大约2年的婚姻后,我离开了家,只带着身上的衣服。我觉得我的理智岌岌可危。我经历了焦虑、不眠之夜、化身博士的性格,意识到我必须离开。我想要离婚,但他一直在刁难我。为了避免再次陷入这种毁灭性的行为,我试着不去联系别人。但是,因此一直不容易,由于拥有一个汽车经销商,然而,我使用有限的联系,尽可能多。

格温多林•斯图尔特
2017年11月26日下午1:08

当我意识到我丈夫在强调我的时候,我崩溃了!我们开了一家汽车经销店,但在经历了焦虑、失眠、压力和人格分裂后,我真的离家出走了。离开了他,生意和其他一切。这给我带来了一个大问题,但我觉得这对我的理智是必要的。我们结婚才两年左右。我是2016年10月17日离开的,现在没有也不打算回去。我正在申请离婚,但这是一个艰难的过程。离开他后,他从事了一些商业欺诈活动,这造成了一些问题。我是这家企业的主要负责人(所有者),正因为如此,我们的平面图在追着我要他花的钱,而不是支付给他们。我面临着一场12.5万美元的诉讼。 I know that I will need to secure a lawyer, but I don't have the money to do so. My husband is not cooperative neither is he willing to pay the money back. However, I'm glad that I got out of the relationship, with my right mind. Right now, I'm seeing a therapist, just to help me move forward, and reclaim my life. I'm 65 and my husband is 57. He is a great manipulator, and liar and I just want to go on with my life. It's there any advice or help you can give me?

在回复通过匿名(未验证)

2017年11月26日晚上8点36分

格温多林,我很抱歉让你面对这种事。我觉得你离开的方式很神奇你还把你自己第一。我同意你的看法,除非绝对必要,否则不联系是最好的途径。这是练习自我保护;对他对你生活的影响有一种健康的恐惧是明智的,也是重要的。而且,你去看治疗师的事实是非常棒的,特别是当你遭遇煤气灯虐待时,看到一个你喜欢并倾听你的治疗师,真的可以帮助你从创伤和困惑中恢复过来。到目前为止,你做的都是我建议你做的你离开了,你在实行不接触政策你在看心理医生。这些都是恢复和继续前进的重要方面。关于法律问题,你试过找律师吗?我知道你现在没有那么多钱,但许多律师事务所会给你免费咨询,并把你介绍给可能能帮助你的律师。你也可以使用Women’s Law网站上的工具,它会帮助你联系虐待倡导人士,有专门帮助女性摆脱虐待关系的律师和资源,我想如果你告诉他们发生了什么,他们可能会引导你朝着最好的方向解决问题。 toWomensLaw.org
谢谢你联系格温多林,请随时联系我们!艾米丽

瑞秋
2017年12月1日上午6:11

格温多林,你说这个诉讼是125万很多律师会接你的案子他们只会要求胜诉的比例如果他们帮你赢了这个案子这就是我处理诉讼的方式结果很好我的律师拿走了我胜诉的15%但换句话说这是值得的你有比你想的更大的权力!!!!

金伯利
2017年11月10日下午3:29

你怎么知道该怎么摆脱这种情况?总是迷路,害怕,觉得自己很蠢,好像这一切都是我编造出来的……

在回复通过匿名(未验证)

2017年11月10日下午4:03

金伯利,你好,我很抱歉让你感到迷茫、害怕和愚蠢——你并不愚蠢,你值得被爱和尊重。你考虑过离开吗?我知道这并不总是一个立即的、现实的选择,但你能想到一个安全的离开计划吗?我真心希望你能意识到,你伴侣的行为与你是谁没有关系,它不会反映你的价值,也不会定义你。情感虐待者通常都有自己根深蒂固的问题,导致他们的行为如此糟糕。我总是建议你在这种情况下离开。如果你还没有准备好,可以考虑探索一些地方应对策略与此同时。谢谢你,艾米丽

塔米·韦尔奇
2017年11月10日下午2:23

阅读这篇文章让我对自己在工作中所经历的事情有了深刻的认识。人们在我周围用暗语交谈。让我看起来像个疯子。当我进入下一个阶段的时候。谁是告密者的消息已经传开了。造成了恶劣的工作环境还破坏了我的车。这被带入下一个阶段,然后进行调查。有人告诉我,我听到了什么但没人听到或看到什么。这都是我的幻觉。即使我已经记录了所有发生的事。 Employer closed case.

在回复通过匿名(未验证)

2017年11月10日下午3:49

塔米,我对你的工作环境感到很遗憾!听起来真的很有毒。你的车被人破坏了而他们却表现得好像你疯了,还结案了?那太可怕了!我认为像你提到的那样把所有事情都记录在案是非常明智的。我很抱歉,你每天上班一定压力很大。坚持住,苔米。希望事情很快会以这样或那样的方式改变。与此同时,这里有一篇关于当你不能离开时的言语虐待应对方法.谢谢你,艾米丽

2017年11月8日上午8:43

嗨,艾米丽,
好文章!我希望我在和前任约会的时候就知道煤气灯,因为你基本上描述了我们的每一次互动。我记得我当时想,我分不清哪些想法是我的,哪些是他的。我晚上会因为恐慌症醒来因为我不记得自己是谁了。不断的转移注意力、责备和逃避真的会让你发疯。谢谢你的见解:)
艾玛x

2017年11月8日上午8:59

艾玛,谢谢! !我希望我过去也能知道这些……我在这里讨论的每个例子,都是我亲身经历过的。这是如此令人沮丧和困惑!我觉得一旦你意识到这些事情发生的时候就会更容易识别它并且能够区分什么是基于现实的什么是别人在耍你,你知道吗?感谢您的阅读,感谢您的支持!<3 -你的博友xo

琳达T
2017年11月7日下午6:28

伟大的文章。看到这是"一件事"让我清醒了一点。

留下一个回复