三个被滥用的谎言
不幸的是,受虐待的人经常相信某些谎言。没有人会在某天醒来说:“我想我会爱上一个虐待我的人。”许多处于虐待关系中的人报告说,在关系确立之前,他们没有暴力行为。在这一点上,矛盾的情绪开始发挥作用——情绪可以是强大的和令人困惑的。受虐者相信谎言的事实使情况更加复杂。这里有三个被虐待的人相信的谎言。
最具破坏性的谎言被滥用的人相信
是我的错
我遇到了一个能让我开怀大笑的男人,他是我所认识的最浪漫的男人。我们成了朋友,最终订婚了。不幸的是,他被诊断出患有边缘性人格障碍和躁郁症,并停止了药物治疗,他说:“药物不能做任何耶稣不能做的事情。”噩梦就是从那时开始的。他成为了情感虐待告诉我这是我的错——我相信了他的话。
那些认为虐待是自己的错的人通常都有创伤性的成长经历。他们比较童年时期遭受的虐待和关系中的虐待,将自己视为共同因素,并责怪自己并试图变得更好。这对施虐者来说是远远不够的,他们把羞耻和内疚当作武器。
事实是:这不是你的错。人们不应该问你为什么待了这么久,或者你做了什么要受到这样可怕的待遇。他们应该问“施虐者怎么了?”和“为什么暴力还没有停止?”没有人应该受到虐待,更不用说为此受到指责了。
我什么都做不了,我很无助
当我在那里的时候虐待关系,我经常感到无助。我不相信我能做任何事。这就是心理学家所说的习得性无助但相信自己无能为力是个谎言。。你确实有选择。
离开说起来容易做起来难,而且往往是一场漫长战斗的开始。但这是你能做的最有力量的事情。
网上有很多很好的资源告诉你怎么做离开一段虐待关系.你可以信任的人会帮助你意识到,是的,离开是有可能的,是的,这很难。一位社会工作者告诉我,受害者在离开前平均接受17次干预。
有些人,尤其是宗教领袖,相信施虐者是有可能改变的。也许是这样;也许不是。为了让施虐者有所改变,需要设定界限,并承担切实的后果。我给前任下了最后通牒:要么继续服药,接受心理咨询,要么就完了。这是我做过的最艰难的事情之一,但我仍然记得他离开时我的宽慰。
没什么大不了的,我很好
我曾经写道:
直到现在,我都不认为我被虐待了。没错,我们吵过架,结果经常是我们俩互相尖叫,他怒气冲冲地走开,或者我失声痛哭,他认为这是在操纵他。我以为这对一段认真的感情来说很正常。
还有其他警告信号,但我擅长证明它们的合理性。当然,他经常用他的霰弹枪向我射击,但他总是在开枪后大笑——那只是一个玩笑。他经常打电话给我的手机来查看我的情况——他如此保护我,真是太好了。他经常强迫我做一些我不喜欢的事,但我很顺从,就像圣经上说的那样。他浪漫、迷人、机智——但在内心深处,我知道有些事情不对劲。家暴就是家暴,不管所谓的“蜜月期”有多甜蜜。
受虐者通常认为受虐没什么大不了的。这通常是因为他们认为虐待是他们的错。但这是一个大问题,因为虐待总是会升级。除非你死了,否则虐待你的人是不会高兴的。最好假设虐待是严重的,并且是错误的,而不是认为它是轻微的,最终在急诊室或停尸房。
不要相信谩骂的谎言。学会与他们争论并克服他们。这是你能为所有人做的最好的事情。
APA的参考
奥伯格,B.(2015年4月13日)。被虐待的人相信的三个谎言,健康的地方。2023年4月4日,从//www.5wetown.com/blogs/recoveringfrommentalillness/2015/04/three-lies-abused-people-believe获取
作者:Becky Oberg
我在一个受虐待的家庭长大。我是家里五个孩子中的老大,我也目睹了父亲虐待母亲。他没有把她的眼睛涂黑,我们也没有看到任何瘀伤。多年后她告诉我,他伤害了她不显露的地方。从小到大,我学会了永远不要让他伤害我,就像他伤害我的兄弟姐妹一样,但我允许他摧毁我的自尊和任何形式的自信。我相信,如果他像打其他人一样打我,我就会死。我也学会了生存,从不分享我的感受,如果他说了一些残酷的话或挑我的茬。直到两周后我才和他说话。到那时已经不那么疼了,我把它塞了进去。我学会了另一种应对方法,就是情绪化地吃东西。 I grew up to be a very insecure person that people including my mother thought was "shy" The truth was I never felt safe and had that same protective shield with others. Until I observed them long enough that I felt safe. I was a single mother of 1 at the age of 23. I have identified I have a pattern of choosing abusive men for partners, but married once after living with him for 3 years! I thought I knew the "real" person, but I was wrong! This marriage lasted 2 yrs and when I realized the truth. I left while he was at work with my then 2 children. I went through a horrible battle with him and he did everything he could to "destroy me." Which is what he told me he would do.I managed to divorce him after a long separation and he was given visitation because I had no proof of his abuse. I became a single mother again and was working after going back to school. The teacher was very emotionally abusive towards me and triggered me (flash backs about my father). I couldn't handle the pressure with her and my ex's visitation rights every 2nd weekend and had a break down and was assessed in the hospital. After 2 weeks I was put on a lot of medication and went back to raise my girls. My mother wanted me to live with them, but I knew my dad would cause major problems. Long story short my ex remarried, the visits became less frequent as my girls grew older they refused to see him. I gradually became well again and my girls grew up and left home.
我的前任没有支付赡养费,他只支付了“他的女儿”,当我们在一起生活的那3年里,他靠我生活。他还决定他不想再工作了,即使他是一个机械师,赚了很多钱。他想靠我的帮助过活,而且不接受我的拒绝。直到有人告诉他们(我相信是我母亲)并举报了我,我最终每月还钱。他说这没什么大不了的,他会从现在开始工作。
但我是因果报应的忠实信徒。有一天,在他再婚一段时间后,他决定买一些土地,盖一所房子。好吧,他第一次试的时候,承包商就走了,因为他在钱的问题上不是一个很诚实的人。第二次是电力问题。他们不得不住在一个窝棚里。第三个终于建好了,但在我生日那天被烧毁了!
今天我好多了,但在我和前任离婚两年后。我遇到了另一个人,他是他们中最糟糕的一个!他humilated !退化!撒了谎!被骗了!强奸并强迫我做我拒绝的性行为。在我终于摆脱他之后!我试着再次约会,但我再也变了,再也没有约会过……现在几年过去了,尽管我有过其他机会,但我相信没有人能再次接近我。 :(
家庭暴力就是虐待。我来自婴儿期、儿童期和成人腹肌使用期。这不是开玩笑。它会导致非常痛苦的生活,因为它很难放手。我一直想要4个孩子,但一直害怕等到那个时候。来了。现在太晚了。我花了3年时间才摆脱那个成年虐待我的人,离开了几次,然后害怕孤独,又回来了,最后一次我离开的时候,他强奸了我,打了我一拳,然后就睡着了。我早上去上班,再也没回去。这是我做过的最好的事。 Despite the abuse I found myself lonely. I now know that that is normal feeling after a long relationship, despite how bad it was. Till this day it was the best thing I did. I probably would not be here now if
我没有离开。请离开虐待你的伴侣。这需要一段时间,但它会变得更好。
即使有死亡威胁,前三次我都无法离开!最后他为了他的前妻离开了我。他家里没人相信我,连他前妻都不相信。他对所有人撒谎,说一切都是我的错,说我们几年前就离婚了。他叫警察来抓我。6个月后,他的女儿联系了我,说他死于心脏和肺部疾病。又是一个谎言。我不接受再试一次的请求。这持续了3天,第四天,我的医生一开门就打电话给我,一个小时后就到了,然后被护送到急诊室。心理健康评估师告诉我,我有两个选择。 Hospital or go stay with a friend I could trust. Either way I was not allowed to go home as long as he was there. I realized as much as I hate divorces, that I had to dissolve my marriage! With no income it has been very hard to live. I finally got a job helping a friend, as he needs help. Been terrified to divorce him. I got a PPO and even the courts can't give him my location. I have not been able to come up with the money to divorce. These 3 lies, I did believe for 2 years. I can't enjoy things I once did because they trigger my PTSD! I am soon running out of places to stay and will be homeless in the next week or two. Because I have lived with him as husband and wife for 20 years, and separated for 3 years, I am going after alimony, and half of what he sold our home for! Let him refuse to pay, and he will do that, he will be held for contempt or refusing to pay. I am to busted up physically and mentally to work! Also during the divorce I want to change my name too!